As one experiences the darkest recesses of what life can sometimes drag them through, one of the redeeming features of life is if one is strong enough emotionally, one reaches that light at the end of what can be a very long, dark tunnel in one piece. I am no different in that respect but just as one begins that process of moving on with their life, something always happens or occurs to remind you that no matter how far one moves on with their life, there is always a residue of some kind that will remind you of the past and (if one is weak,) can drag you right back to a place, you can longer be.
And so it was in the early hours of this Sunday Morn, that while I didn’t sleep well (which was bad enough in itself,) I had to endure a dream of a disappearing experience that had long disappeared – The kiss and makeup and reconnecting with a recent lost love. The nightmarish aspect of the dream was that it was all so real, as if it was actually happening. Worse, it felt so good.
When I finally decided to bite the bullet (because I needed closure, where there was none, well nothing I would have deemed closure anyway,) and instigate the decisions which were being ignored by my once and not so future paramour and her partner in crime, I did so realising that in doing so I was doing what needed to be done and burn all remaining bridges to that two-faced, lying excuse for a woman for all time. Even now on reflection I still feel it was the right thing to do.
So why the dream? Not being a student of dreams (I had given up a long time ago trying to decipher my dreams,) I have no idea why I would be dreaming about someone I was once involve with, whom I never ever dreamed about when we were seeing each other. Well one reason may be that I was living the dream at the time. Since the ‘breakup’ I have only dreamed about her once before and that was a casual meeting in a park somewhere. Bizarre but I thought no more of it, apart from the fact I had never dreamed about her before. So again the question beckons: Why the dream? I can only assume somewhere deep within one’s subconscious, there is that ‘Quantum of Solace’, that spark of some kind of feeling, affection that still exists for this person. I can think of nothing else. Maybe the Inner Child within one’s self, still remembers, still holds on to the memories, the love, the affection that once existed and was so cherished by myself. On a conscious level, I really don’t retain those memories and feelings. In fact, the only memories that are retained by myself, are the treasury of writings and poetry, I wrote during that period, not to mention the odd poem that was texted to me via ‘phone. On those rare occasions when I have come across them, I am surprised at the lack of any kind of feeling I have for the poetry I wrote and dedicated to this person. The passion, depth of feeling, the all-encompassing love I was feeling at the time of writing. When reading all these things dedicated to someone who was My Inspiration, My Muse, I have to stop reading, for I feel nothing. At a push I can remember the love made under a February Full Moon (our only witness,) but not the passion, the love that was very hot and passionate on that very night. At first it worried me that I should be so cold and dispassionate to the point I have no emotional memories or any kind of memory that transports me back to that moment, bringing back everything, every emotion and feeling associated with what was a very special night. This is true of just about every good thing that happened during our relationship.
When I look back at my experience and the relationship I had with this person, I conclude that the way in which she betrayed me and what we had for someone who was supposedly a friend of mine (see an earlier Blog entry for details,) and the behaviour and disrespect that was continually meted out to me, until I took steps to stop it by writing about it all, naming and shaming both parties, has brought me to the stage that despite all the good things that had happened, that one weekend in late March, where they spent a weekend together, has totally erased everything that transpired before then. At a push, I will probably remember all that transpired during the first two months before everything went to hell but that will be hard because ‘Old Time’s Sake’ does not exist. So hurt and humiliated by the way in which I was treated and betrayed, along with the attitude and arrogance that followed, has totally erased, every emotional memory and feeling I have ever had. On a conscious level. I suspect that is not the case on an unconscious level.
As I have already mentioned, I am not a student of dreams and their hidden meanings. However, I am puzzled that I should have such a vivid dream about someone, with all the intensity, depth of feeling, passion and love that was once there. That is probably one factor why I woke up so shocked because emotionally I had no memory of or the feelings I once felt for what was once a recent relationship. On an esoteric level, maybe that unconscious side of me, that ‘Inner Child’ within me somewhere, still remembers the love, passion, mutual respect, depth of feeling we shared and the fun we had together. It misses it (so much,) that only now is it trying to get me to remember what had transpired and wants reconciliation between me and the lady concerned. And what the Unconscious wants, it will try it’s hardest to get or achieve. The fly in the ointment here is me!
Whether I want it unconsciously or not, I don’t want it. I no longer want it nor need it. There is nothing emotional about this. I am just been practical and realistic about things. Cards were dealt, true hands were shown. I have strong feelings about being betrayed and being treated less that I think I deserve. I put everything I had into that relationship and in the end because of her, the actions of a treacherous former friend, not to mention some stupid whim on her part, everything that was created, developed, work at by us was destroyed. Destroyed for nothing at all. And all done on a whim. I was shown how little she cared by how easily she destroyed everything in the blink of an eye. There was and has been no regret on her part, no attempt to try to make things up or even explain herself. Why would I even bother following a dream created by the subsconscious, showing how what was, could be that all over again? I think not!!! Too much has transpired, too much has been said on my part (because nothing was being said by the other party,) for me to even contemplate, even offering an olive branch of reconciliation. Tried that very early on when my suspicions grew and was ignored, time and time again. Why would I waste my time taking a trip down memory lane to try to re-enact a relationship with someone who could care less. I wouldn’t.
So I take the dream onboard that a part of me subconsciously wants what I once had with someone called G. Sherri but I made a decision that the ball was now in her court and I had no interest in pursuing things any longer. The ‘Inner Child’ is going to have to learn to live with that decision because I am not going back on that decision. To quote the opening of Sir Thomas More’s final Speech in ‘A Man for All Seasons’:-
“To avoid this I have taken every path my winding wits could find.”
And that is exactly what I did but was blocked and ignored at every attempt to get an amicable resolution to the whole sorry affair. There is only so much a man can take. And that is a lesson one’s ‘Inner Child’ is going to have to learn. The hard way if necessary.