After Thoughts

After writing my last Blog entry, editing it, reading it, re-reading it, more edits, I finally published it and then noticed it was daylight.  Looked at the clock on the wall and it was nearly 6am.  I felt dejected, low, despondent, when I reflected on what I had written and my life as it now is.  When I finally went to bed, I was so low, I don’t think I could get any lower than I could.  I had been here before some six years ago.

As I lay there, I felt that depressed state I was in back in the early part of 2005.  Practitioners of the Method approach to Acting would call this Emotional Memory, for it extends from the memory I had of someone from that period so it was no surprise I felt the way I did, especially when I learned how far she had moved ahead in life.  It was a bitter pill to have to swallow but then that should be no surprise.  The fact there has been a total non-response is even more hurtful.  Again there should be no surprise because that behaviour has become a standard trait among many people I had considered friends.  Maybe I am superfluous to their requirements.  I served a purpose, I was no longer required.  ‘Thanks for the memory’ I say to myself, trying to kid myself and give others the benefit of the doubt.  Like I always learned, you never know who your true friends are until you well truly down and under on your luck.  This I am going through right now.

I slept a little.  When I woke it was 8:45am.  ‘What was the point?’ I mused to myself.  ‘What is the point of going on? Enduring all this crap and getting nothing back?’  Maybe it was time to quit acting altogether.  Go in a new direction.  I have a theatre audition to prepare for but feel I need to go away and do something completely different.  But then I thought of that old showbiz maxim, ‘The show must go on’.  How true that is.  I had bought the book containing the Chekov’s ‘The Bear’, had begun researching the role, read over the speech I would have to learn for the audition, had more than two weeks to learn the speech.  And, more importantly I would be auditioning for a director I have worked for over the past few years, someone I have the utmost respect for.  A man I consider a true friend.  I owe it to him and myself to make an effort and put on my best performance.  Even if I am not cast this time around, at least I gave it my best shot.

It was some time after Mid-day (I am too ashamed to say the exact time,) but I was up, washed and dressed in record time and out the door to run an errand.  Taking some books to the local Oxfam charity shop.  I just needed to be out and about doing something.  I felt a lot better and it was as if last night’s reflection and procrastination had not happened.  I find it surprising that I had ever contemplated quitting acting altogether.  Why would I after sacrificing so much?  Strange how I allowed the thoughts and feelings for someone I have not laid eyes on in more than six years to affect me, my ambitions and aspirations, when they have so clearly demonstrated they could not give a toss whether I still walked the earth or not.  There is more recent history that has repeated itself with others.  Karma is a strange and wonder thing.  What goes around eventually comes around.  One day the proverbial shoe will be on the other foot.  It will an interesting experience for that person to be on the other side of the fence, sending me emails asking how I am, when they demonstrated by past behaviour or non-behaviour that they could not care less.  Well Josie Costello, Amanda Palmer aka Charlotte Obia, I await that day.  Won’t be holding my breath though.  Your lives maybe perfect for now but let see how it pans out in years to come.  Fortunately I will be too far ahead and busy with my life and career to give a damn.  Thanks for the memory though brief as it was. You are both so alike.  You both look alike. So much alike in personality.  Self-centred, arrogant and totally selfish.  Like I said, thanks for the memory!